The Price of Killing
by OPYKJ
Summary: Kathryn Janeway learns there is always a price to pay for killing one of your own. AU, set a few weeks after Prime Factors.
1. Chapter 1 - Condemnation

**Chapter 1 – Condemnation**

The bridge is awash with the blood of her crew and the Captain sits there doing nothing. I've dragged the names of the dead out of her memory, made her recall their screams when the Kazon pulverised their bodies. Not that I care that greatly for her precious crew contingent, half of whom I've never talked to, but she does. I've pummelled her mind so much already that she should have fired again by now.

All I sense from her is guilt. She's got enough to fill up two cargo bays and still finds room for more. I don't get it. Guilt is pretty well useless here. It only destroys you from the inside, one death at a time.

It is not what she needs. I want to get at her, to tune her mind to mine but with the injuries she's sustained in the attack, she's only minutes away from dropping her phaser.

Chakotay covers the Kazon prisoners and checks on me. A nasty shoulder wound seeps on his uniform. He asks how I am going when he sees my legs. I tell him I'm all right, that I can wait. He squeezes my arm, turns away.

From my days on the Val Jean, I remember a restless man, angry and vengeful. He'll be easier to turn than Janeway. He won't disappoint me.

I've got all I require in front of me: the command team, a handful of disarmed Kazon left behind after another failed attempt to seize the ship, and help is at least ten minutes away, with the bridge on lockdown. I don't need that long.

I feel Chakotay's fingers on his phaser while he takes in the dead and injured. He squats near Janeway and talks to her, keeps her awake. She whispers something to him but I can't catch the words. Pain, anger and frustration are flooding his mind, making it easier for me to get into his thoughts.

Anger is an ineffective emotion, as Tuvok would say, but it's easy to push into hate, and from hate should come Chakotay's conversion. I'll guide him down that path, and if I can get to him, he'll bring Janeway with him. Then the whole crew will have a better chance to survive.

I just want to do something for this ship. It is such a tiny speck among so many vicious races who have never heard of Starfleet principles. I can show those two what they need to do, who they need to be to keep their crew alive.

How will they endure over the next 75,000 light-years, these two pathetic COs and their crew? They've just killed in the heat of the battle. They glimpsed the possibilities open to them and then stopped once the situation was safe and under control. They think violence should be tamed, constrained by rules and protocols. Guilt and anger won't help them last the distance. We'll never make it if we don't adapt to the savagery of this quadrant. We can't afford compassion, rules of combat, principles.

They are so wrong, those two. Violence is the only way that will save them and the ship. They need to embrace it, not quell it. They need to thrust a soul into death, to savour its self-aware fear of the void that awaits, to rejoice when our enemies are no more.

Violence is justified here. Against all who attack us. At all times.

 _Hear me. Listen to my words._

 _Forget your principles. They slow you down, make you weak. You'll never survive the journey home._

 _Welcome your rage and thoughts of revenge, Chakotay. Kill and enjoy it._

 _Captain, watch and learn. We will do this again._

 _The price of killing will be your freedom._

 _There will be no more guilt._

 _Destroy the Kazon, Chakotay._

 _Slaughter them all._

 _Kill_ _them._

 _Kill.  
_

###

Suder felt two icy blue eyes boring into his skull. "Go to hell," they said.

 _Come with me, then_ , he smiled. He pushed Chakotay's raging mind away and latched on to the Captain's.

The sharp weapon fire resonated across the bridge, and Suder thought no more.

* * *

Tuvok entered the packed cargo bay and the room became eerily silent. Kathryn's hands tightened around the rail in front of her.

"All rise."

Mutters rose from among the crowd as Tuvok walked to the elevated desk. The service medals displayed on his impeccable uniform and the sash of a Starfleet judge across his chest were reviving memories of previous Starfleet court rooms and trials. The judges and the accused might have changed, but the verdict against the Maquis for daring to defend their own people against the Cardassian had always been the same: life imprisonment in a penal colony, never to see friends and family again. Thousands of light years away, their lives plucked from a war they did not yet know they would never win, the Maquis on Voyager had not forgotten, nor forgiven.

At the back of the room, somebody stomped his foot against the hard floor. Kathryn's hair stood up at the back of her neck as other crew members picked up the harsh rhythm, a gesture born of despair and defiance during those same trials.

But this time, the accused was not a Maquis, and the pounding tremors run through the cargo bay, in clear condemnation of what she had done.

Tuvok waited patiently for the noise to abate. Although immune to intimidation, he was not insensitive to the emotions sweeping through the room. This unprecedented trial was capping weeks of unrest among the crew, exacerbated by incessant Kazon attacks, each more brazen than the last. He had kept his concerns to himself, tactically constrained by the reality of working with a crew of mixed allegiance. Now, he faced the one person he had pledged his unconditional support to, and there was nothing he could do to help.

He sat down, letting the wave of sound run its course. One by one, the crewmembers settled in their chairs. The trial started.

During the next half an hour, Tuvok set up the jury and explained the court martial process to the five jurors — three Starfleet and two former Maquis — picked at random from the crew, bar the two civilians on board and the security team. Ayala was to be the prosecuting officer.

Unwilling to appear anything else than calm and focused, Kathryn kept her chin high and let her gaze wander over the crowd. Tom and Harry were in deep conversation in the front row. The young Ensign glanced at her and smiled bravely when he caught her eyes.

She was glad he was safe and sound. Her heart had stopped when he had collapsed on the bridge floor, shot by the Kazon attackers. All Starfleet ships needed a wide-eyed, keen Ensign among their midst. She smiled back at him.

Soon enough, Tuvok ended his instructions. The mood in the room shifted once again, all eyes fixed on Janeway. Even the security officers stationed at the doors of the cargo bay that had hastily been converted to host the trial let their attention stray away from the restless spectators.

"Captain Janeway, you are accused of first degree murder committed on the person of Crewman Lon Suder. How do you plead?" Tuvok said.

"Guilty, Your Honour," she answered in a firm voice. A wave of relief passed through her. She had made the right decision not to fight the charges.

The room erupted.

A dozen men and women, with all the swagger that marked them as former Maquis, jumped to their feet at the back of the room. Angry words were thrown across the packed room, reminding all in attendance of the captain's broken promise of making no difference between Maquis and Starfleet. A motley and no less noisy group sprung from their chairs and protested, haranguing those at the back. Suddenly reminded of their duties, the guards stiffened their grips on the weapons they carried.

Janeway watched the mayhem in dismay. Over the past year, she had talked to each and every one of those assembled here, laughed with them, mourned their losses, listened to their hopes and fears, mentored and moulded them into one crew with no parallel this side of the galactic core. It was the only way they would make it home.

Instead, the ship was ripping apart faster than a warp core meltdown, and there was nothing she could do. Because she was guilty. She could still feel the phaser hot and heavy in her hand. She had killed Suder.

She searched the crowd for a face she had not seen since leaving sickbay for the brig. Chakotay was not there. His absence could mean so many things, but she had no way to know. Her only duty now was to protect him and the crew from what she had done.

Tuvok picked up his gavel, cutting through the cries and screams sweeping through the room. "I understand you have waived counsel," he said to Janeway, after the audience, still unsettled and angry, had returned to their seats.

"Yes, I have."

"It is your right to refuse counsel, but may I ask why?"

He saw her glance at him, but he could betray nothing of his unease. Suder's death was puzzling in the extreme, and yet, the facts aligned with the captain's version of events, frustrating his judgement. Something had occurred that afternoon, something the Captain was keeping from him, despite repeated questioning earlier in the day. She had not denied the evidence and had simply refused to provide any reason for her actions. It was not like her to abandon the fight, but the whole Suder affair was irrational.

"Captain?" Tuvok prompted.

His own course of action was set in stone, the rigorous Starfleet protocols clear cut. With the captain in the accused box, and Voyager's First Officer still in sickbay and a potential witness, it had fallen to him to preside over the trial. He owed it to the Captain to follow Starfleet protocols to the letter. She would not wish for, nor expect anything less from him, as she had told him after the Sikaris debacle, not so long ago. It was unfortunate that he had so little scope to assist her and still follow procedures.

"I cannot force a member of my crew to defend the indefensible," Janeway finally said.

Loud heckles from the back of the room supported what she could feel in her gut. The crew was splitting along the old battle lines of Maquis and Starfleet. Months of Kazon attacks had begun to eat at those who had always wondered if following Starfleet principles was not a price too high to pay. For those crew members the Federation had betrayed before, it was such a small step: why not share their technology and forget about the consequences? Voyager would soon leave this area of space anyway, heading home.

The rumours had ebbed and flowed, the tide swelling over the past few weeks. Tuvok, Chakotay and Neelix had discreetly investigated. They had found nothing tangible, just chatter among the crew, innuendos of better treatment of the Starfleet contingent, small groups of former Maquis going silent when approached. Pressure from the Kazon had intensified, and the focus of the senior officers had switched to the more pressing threat of alien attacks.

Then she had killed Suder, and Voyager's crew was suddenly finding themselves fighting on two fronts.

Tuvok had been right to opt for a trial by jury. The Maquis followers would have considered a judge-only court martial a cover up, and if he had found her not guilty, that decision could have been the trigger for a Maquis mutiny. Voyager's Chief of Security had made the right call, the logical one. But let the trial linger, and even a public and open conviction might not quash the insurrection she could see rising in front of her. Surely, Tuvok could see that.

Maybe she had to make it clearer.

"I do not want any member of my crew to have to bear the consequences of the verdict. The crew is divided, old wounds have opened up – "

A brief cry shot from across the room. "You killed one of us, Captain. You started it." Seska's voice dripped with contempt, her supporters jeering.

"Silence." Tuvok made himself heard without raising his voice, and the room quietened again. "The charges against the defendant are serious, and even though the accused has pleaded guilty, this court cannot accept such a plea without examining all the facts. The proper verdict will only be upheld if the process strictly abides to Starfleet protocols."

A few mumbled remarks told him what many thought of those protocols, but he ignored them. He lowered his eyes to the jury. "Because of the extraordinary circumstances in which Voyager has been placed, with none of the support this court would normally expect, I overrule the defendant's right. I assign Kes of the Ocampa to be the accused's counsel."

Kathryn was ready to interject. The most important thing was for the trial to conclude as quickly as possible and Chakotay to become the captain. The crew needed to remain united under a strong leader if they had any chance of making it back to the Alpha quadrant. Yet, arguing about a counsel now would just delay the inevitable verdict. She let herself relax, hoping to convince the sensitive Ocampa she did not need her help.

Tuvok stood up. "This session is adjourned until tomorrow morning. All rise." He left the bench while the crowd jostled to the exits, keen to let their friends on duty know of the first day of their Captain's trial.

Resigned to her fate, Kathryn waited for the guards to walk her back to the brig.

* * *

Four steps, a quarter turn, five steps across, turn, four steps...

Kathryn slowly paced the width and breadth of the cell. The exercise helped dull the deep ache that pervaded her body. The EMH had been swept off his holographic feet after the most recent Kazon attack, with dozens of injured crew members flooding sickbay. He had attended to the injuries she had suffered on the bridge, no doubt intending to finish the treatment later on. Instead, soon after waking up from surgery, she had asked to go to the brig to free up a much needed biobed. Nobody had checked on her condition since. She had not asked. It was not important.

Laughs and jeers from the Kazon prisoners shattered the silence.

"Captain?" a soft voice asked.

Janeway approached the force field. "Kes. You did not need to come. Tuvok should never have called on you. This is not your place."

The young woman smiled, ignoring the racket behind her. "You are my friend, Captain. I am happy to be of help."

The sight of a friendly face was fast eroding Kathryn's resolve, but she persisted. "I don't need a counsel. I did plead guilty."

"Then tell me your version of the events," Kes said in a matter of fact tone, settling down on the chair the day guard had brought for her.

The Ocampa's natural curiosity and intelligence that made her such a valued member of the crew were not going to be satisfied by evasion, so Kathryn gave Kes the same answers she had given Tuvok and Ayala when they had interrogated her in the early hours of the morning.

The Kazon raid taking them by surprise, so brazen and swift in its execution they seemed a different enemy from their early encounters. Shrewd, calculating, getting so close this time to overcoming the obstacles that had denied them the ship they wanted.

The bridge isolated, Paris and Tuvok stuck on lower decks. Chakotay taking the helm, while she had moved to the tactical console.

Armed Kazon rushing the bridge, the small repair team caught in the middle of a phaser fight, Harry and two other crew members shot in the first few seconds.

The intruders finally subdued, the enemy ship retreating, a semblance of calm returning —

"— and then, I shot Suder."

Kes waited for Janeway to elaborate, watching her attentively. Getting no response, she probed her with the same questions Tuvok had asked. "Why did you shoot him, Captain? Was he threatening you?"

"He had come up to repair a console when the attack started. He was unarmed."

Kes lowered her gaze, clearly gathering her thoughts, but said nothing.

"What is it, Kes?" Kathryn said, worried by the young woman's reticence.

Uncertainty showing in her eyes, Kes looked back at her. "During the attack, I was helping the Doctor treat the injured crew members who were starting to trickle in. Before the red alert was lifted, I sensed something."

She hesitated, a frown on her face. "I saw a door open into a hostile and malevolent space, felt thoughts welcoming the darkness, revering it, bringing it into this world. Then, the door shut tight. The dark thoughts cut off abruptly, and I was back in sickbay. What do you think it was all about, Captain?"

For a heartbeat, Kathryn felt her hope soar. If Kes had sensed the sinister thoughts of the man, maybe she could be brought as a witness.

She breathed out slowly. It was not enough. The fact that Suder had almost managed to impose his will on the minds of the command team was inexplicable and unprovable. For all of Kes' willingness to help, the fledging empathic gifts of an Ocampa would not hold much sway in a Starfleet courtroom. Even Vulcan mind melds were not acceptable in court unless their findings could be independently verified. There was no way out but to plead guilty. The crew needed to follow a leader they could trust, instead of wondering who else she might shoot the next time somebody overran the bridge.

"I don't know, Kes. I really don't know." Kathryn said. "How is Chakotay?" she added, hoping to distract the sensitive woman from the unsettling images she had felt.

Kes shuddered, as if to shake off the weight of that moment which was quickly fading away. "Commander Chakotay is still in sickbay. The Doctor had to sedate him when he first woke up. His brain patterns were fluctuating widely and he was disorientated. He does not remember the events leading to Suder's death. Whatever you can tell us would help his recovery," she said with an eager tone. She knew of the strong bond between the Captain and her First Officer and hoped his plight might make Janeway reveal what had happened.

Kathryn shook her head. "I killed Suder. Chakotay had nothing to do with it."

"Captain, if you don't tell me, Tuvok will have no choice than to accept your guilty plea. He explained to me that Starfleet protocols are very strict. You will lose everything. Your rank, your freedom. I will lose my friend. Is that what you really want?"

Janeway was torn apart by Kes' anguish, but her need to protect Chakotay was more important. "How is the crew going?" she asked instead, keen to deflect the young woman's attention away.

"All the other injured crew members have been discharged. Neelix is providing food and companionship to anybody in search of solace."

"And what about you? How are you holding up?" Kathryn asked gently. A small sad smile was her answer, reinforcing her determination not to draw anybody further into the mess that was now her fate.

Then Kes was gone, once again raising a few chosen words from the Kazon prisoners as she walked past their cells.

Left alone, Janeway thanked her good fortune that Chakotay did not remember anything. She had been right to let nobody learn of the sickening ideas Suder had forced into the Commander when their minds had been linked together. Even though she had not borne the full brunt of Suder's attack, she had tasted the temptation to escape from the guilt and hurt that had plagued her since blowing up the Caretaker array, and to attack and conquer all who opposed their journey to get back home, if only she surrendered to sickening thoughts of retaliation and revenge.

And while Chakotay had fought his rising rage against the cowering prisoners, she knew that sooner or later Suder would have succeeded in pushing the former Maquis leader over the edge and that she would have been next. Nobody on the ship had Suder's mental abilities. He would have been unstoppable, she was sure of it. So instead she had shot him, his fateful words still resonating in her memory: ' _We will do this again_ '.

Damn if she'd done nothing and let them lose their souls to this monster.

The brig door opened and closed as the gamma shift started. Across the corridor, the Kazon prisoners were talking among themselves in low voices. A guard brought her a food tray which Kathryn left untouched on the cell floor.

The light dimmed to the artificial night setting. She settled on the bunk, nestling against the wall. The hum of the warp core engines was comforting. A brief variance in illumination told her the shields were finally up and running. The ship was once again secure against further attacks.

The crew, the new captain, they could run their own lives and get back to Earth without her. It was time to let go, even if two years at the helm was hardly a record to be proud of. All she could do was to prepare for the inescapable sentence.

Tuvok wouldn't keep her in the brig forever. He would drop her on an uninhabited planet, or put her in stasis for the next 70 years until delivering her to a Starfleet prison. She would spend the rest of her life forgotten, the name of Janeway erased from people's memories.

But Chakotay would take the reins. That's the only hope she had left of salvaging something out of this horrible mess. He needed to become the captain that all would follow.

She closed her eyes. Soon, all was still and silent.

* * *

 _##_

* * *

 _This is a sequel to 'Doing something for the ship' (thanks to The Cheshire Cheese for mentioning a sequel would be good. Really. I want to thank you for making me sweat and work hard for nearly a year. Sigh...). I have re-written that short story to fit_ _the longer narrative, and I have included it as part of the first chapter._

 _My many thanks to Vanhunks for her comments on a very early version, and to Mia Cooper for pointing out quite a few inconsistencies that I had hoped were so well cloaked as to be undetectable. Her knowledge of canon and gentle prodding made this a much better story._


	2. Chapter 2 - Imprisonment

**Chapter 2 – Imprisonment**

 _The Kazon_ _are screaming abuse. They thrust their faces into hers, dark shimmering eyes pulling her into an abyss of brutality. She_ _fires, eager to see them all dead. Their Starfleet uniforms turn red._

 _Chakotay is at her side,_ _shout_ _ing that she's killed the crew, that he saw it all. The word 'guilty' is forming on his lips but the console behind them explodes, and the blast throws her against the far wall._

Janeway coughed to clear her throat and immediately regretted it. She took shallow breaths to reduce the sharp pain radiating from the side of her chest. Another jolt, less powerful this time. The ship was under attack, her ringing ears just then registering the klaxon of a red alert.

Two Kazon appeared in the breached wall, their clothing streaked with dust and blood. "On your feet. Now." When she did not move quickly enough, a heavy boot landed on her shin. "Get up, woman."

"What have you done?" Janeway asked, standing up stiffly.

"Tricked you. That's what we did," the younger of the two men answered with a snarl. He shoved her towards the front of the cell. For a split second, she contemplated wrestling with him, but she was in no shape to fight her way through a brig full of Kazon and she needed to know what was happening.

Something was very wrong. The first explosion had been too close to be due to a torpedo tearing through the shields. Unless they had failed again, an hypothesis not worth dwelling on.

"Let's get going," said the older man.

She moved slowly through the non-existent force field. The blast had completely blown apart the cell furthest from hers, destroying the guards' console and the door to the corridor, and creating a small crater to the deck below. Debris covered everything, the body of one of the guards pinned under fallen conduits. Dismayed, Janeway bent over to check the man's pulse. He was dead, his chest crushed by a ceiling beam.

"Enough, woman." The man jerked her upright and propelled her into the dark hallway.

The small group moved slowly towards the turbolift at the end of the passageway, carefully checking all openings. "You'll never get out of here alive. What do you think you can achieve?" Janeway said.

"Not that way," a voice said from behind. "The lifts are out of commission. We'll take the Jefferies tubes."

"Seska?" Janeway said, incredulous. She watched as the Bajoran woman took Kazon phasers out of a case she was carrying and handed them to their owners. Next to Seska was the other night shift guard, a large bag hanging from his shoulder. "What are you two doing taking the side of the Kazon?"

"Kathryn - I hope you don't mind me calling you Kathryn? Nice to see you again," Seska said, grinning. "Meet my new allies. All of them minus one, that is."

The young Kazon lifted his phaser to the Bajoran's face. "You would be wise to remember my brother's sacrifice." The man then shoved his weapon in Janeway's side, making her flinch. "And what about this woman? She defied the Nistrim. She is the reason my brother died. I claim her death."

Seska stared him down. "We have more pressing matters to attend to. I come from Engineering. Voyager's starboard ventral is offline as planned, thanks to your brother," she added with a nod. "Now all we need to do is get to your ship. I have several pieces of equipment your Maje will be pleased to get his hands on."

"Then we don't need her. She'll just slow us down," the Kazon argued, already taking aim at Janeway.

Seska put her hand on his arm, her face hardening. "I have a use for her. I've just finished talking to Maje Culluh and he's agreed to my plan. You kill her, you answer to him. Besides, if Voyager security try to stop us, they won't fire when they see her."

The man shrugged her hand off, scowling. He returned his phaser to his belt. Satisfied, Seska moved quickly down the corridor. Reaching a junction panel, she opened it using the manual override, and started her descent without waiting to check if anybody was following. The Kazon stood on the edge muttering among themselves before forcing Janeway down the ladder first.

"You were there at my trial, Seska. I am a criminal, the crew won't obey me. I suggest you surrender before this tube crawls with Tuvok's men and we all get killed," Janeway said, using one hand at a time,to avoid jarring her ribs any further.

Seska laughed from under Janeway's feet. "Ah, yes, your trial. I really enjoyed seeing Tuvok turn against you. Seems all of you, Federation, have double standards. As far as I am concerned, you did well by killing Suder. He was a nasty piece of work who should have been kicked out of the Maquis years ago."

She stopped her descent, and lifted her head. "And with all the noise about your trial, nobody wondered about why the Kazon prisoners had been captured so easily. Nice irony don't you think that you are helping cover up our escape."

She sneered at Janeway, then started moving again. Her voice drifted up. "Once we are on the Nistrim ship, Kathryn, I look forward to have a little talk about a few things."

The ship shook again and Janeway almost lost her hold on the ladder. The Kazon had meant to be taken prisoners, clearly to help Seska escape. But to what end the Bajoran had betrayed Voyager, she could not understand. All she knew was that the woman was dangerous, much more dangerous than the enemy outside.

Janeway resolved to bide her time.

* * *

"Paris, report." Chakotay held tight to the bridge door as the ship shuddered again under him. Between leaving sickbay and arriving on the bridge, he had counted three smaller blows to the ship after the explosion which had wakened him. Three hits which had resonated inside his head like supernovas.

"Commander, I do not believe the EMH has released you for duty," Tuvok said. He stood up from the Captain's chair.

"Pretend he has, and move away. That's an order."

Tuvok hesitated, then moved aside, acknowledging the First Officer's authority.

"Paris?" Chakotay sat down, the flashing red alert bouncing behind his eyeballs.

"One Kazon ship, sir," Paris answered, sounding relieved Voyager's First Officer was back in charge. "They are focusing their fire on the starboard ventral array. We are completely blind there and shields are fluctuating."

"Evasive manoeuvres. Protect the array at all costs."

He hit the comms. "B'Elanna, what's going on with the warp engines?"

"Warp engines are offline. Something wrong with the plasma intake. I don't understand —."

"You've got five minutes to get them working, otherwise you'll be back to being a crewman. Chakotay out." He slammed the comms shut with his fist, earning him a startled look from Kim.

On the screen, he saw the Kazon ship approach, unchallenged, then disappear under Voyager's bow. Another hit shook him.

"Paris, are you piloting Voyager or just playing around?" Chakotay barked.

"It's the array, sir. We are not very manoeuvrable and we are sitting ducks without warp speed."

"Stop making excuses and do your job for once in your life, Lieutenant."

Paris' back tensed up, but he said nothing.

Chakotay turned to the tactical console. "Tuvok, hit them with all we've got. They've attacked us one too many times! Kim, raise the Captain."

"Three hits to their stern. Minor damage," Tuvok reported.

"What's your problem, Lieutenant? It's not like they are fleeing, is it? And what was that explosion below deck ten minutes ago?"

Tuvok's eyebrow lifted. "There was indeed a large detonation on Deck 13. I have sent a team to check on the prisoners in the brig and assess the damage. I should get a report shortly."

"Why the concern for those thugs? They are only Kazon. We space vermin, not look after them." Chakotay wiped his clammy hands on his uniform. Just thinking of the prisoners was bringing images of the bloody fight on the bridge that had followed the last attack.

"Internal sensors, comms and turbo lifts are offline on Decks 12, 13 and 14. The security team is using the Jefferies tubes to reach the brig," Tuvok said. He watched Chakotay closely as the restless man stood up and crossed to Kim's console.

"Ensign, I didn't hear you hail the Captain. Is there a problem, or are you ignoring my orders?" Chakotay asked brusquely.

Kim threw a glance at Tuvok who shook his head slowly. The young man lowered his gaze to the console screen, wondering how he was going to get out of this quandary. His eyes widened. "Commander, a shuttle is leaving Voyager from Cargo Bay 2. No authorisation."

"Tractor beam, Ensign. Now."

"Inoperative, Commander. It's the ventral array again. I can't get a lock."

"The security team reports that the brig is empty and seriously damaged. One of the night guards is dead. There is no trace of any of the prisoners," Tuvok said.

"The Kazon ship is coming back," Paris interjected, his hands dancing on the navigation console. Voyager was sluggish and not responding to his commands.

"Shake them loose. Tuvok, the prisoners must have got hold of that shuttle. Target it and fire at will."

"Commander, you need to reconsider your order. You do not have all the facts in hand to make that decision," Tuvok said in a firm voice.

Caught in the show down between their two COs, Kim and Paris exchanged a worried glance. It was clear something was not right with the First Officer and that he did not know of the Captain's fate.

Chakotay snapped. The Kazon needed to be stopped at all costs. They were the enemy. That was all he could think of. Kill them all.

"You are relieved. Ensign Kim, take the tactical console and blast that damn shuttle into oblivion."

Harry panicked, dread rising in his mind. Before he had time to move, Paris cut through. "The shuttle has been picked up by the Kazon ship. They are breaking off and going to warp."

"Pursue them!" Chakotay shouted.

"The warp engines are still unavailable, Commander."

"We've lost them," Paris said, quite unnecessarily.

Outside, the stars kept their silent and eternal vigil, while the red alert rung on the ship bridge. Chakotay sank back into his chair, his head pounding. "Where is the Captain?"

* * *

"You used her as bait. Pure and simple."

"I can assure you Commander, that was never my intention."

"You suspected there was a traitor among the crew, you kept the Captain next to five Kazon prisoners and you are telling me you did not think something would go wrong?" Chakotay hissed, keeping his voice under control for the benefit of the repair crew walking past them, in the corridor.

The relentless visions of revenge and bloodshed that had hammered Chakotay's mind were subsiding, but right at this moment, Voyager's First Officer would have loved to put his hands around Tuvok's neck.

The two COs stood in front of what had once been the brig. The explosion had ripped through the decks immediately above and beneath, taking with it a primary plasma conduit and the secondary command processors, and rendering the warp engines inoperable. They had been unable to follow the Kazon ship. They had no idea where the captain was.

"Starfleet's protocols are clear. I had to prosecute the Captain for Crewman Suder's death. There was no other alternative."

Chakotay's memory of the events on the day Suder had died was hazy. Incoherent fragments had haunted him the minute he had woken in sickbay, and he had spent much of the night and following day sedated while the EMH had tried to find out what was affecting his brain wave readings. Little by little, those had returned to a semblance of normality. Chakotay had slept soundly for a few hours until the second Kazon attack. It was only after his outburst on the bridge that he had learnt the full story of what had happened while he was stuck in sickbay: the Captain thrown in the brig, the start of her court martial, the ship finally fracturing between Maquis and Starfleet, Seska's treachery. The past two days had just been one long nightmare after another.

"She did not stand a chance. She could have been killed then and there!" Chakotay exclaimed, his voice rising. "You should have confined her to her quarters at the very least."

"It was not my decision to make," Tuvok answered. "I remind you that the Captain did plead guilty to murder. Such a plea automatically leads to imprisonment until a court has been convened and a verdict reached. Starfleet protoc—. "

Chakotay pushed Tuvok against the bulkhead, his face an inch from the Vulcan's lifted eyebrows. "Don't give me that procedural bullshit! Ask yourself this. What would the Captain have done if you had been the one who had killed a crewman?" He pushed his elbow under Tuvok's chin. "Or were you making up for ignoring Starfleet principles on Sikaris?"

Even now, Tuvok could not fault the logic that had seen him deliberately violating Sikarian law in an effort to obtain a technology which promised a much reduced journey back to the Alpha quadrant. However, the Captain had not seen his actions in the same way, saying she needed him to uphold the very same Starfleet principles he had misguidedly put aside. His resolve since their discussion had been a renewed adherence to Starfleet protocols, and rigorous mental exercises to clear his thoughts of subjectivity and speculations.

"It seemed that I may have erred once again, Commander," he conceded.

Footsteps approached from the empty corridor. Chakotay backed off, not wanting the crew to see the two most senior officers on Voyager at each other's throat. "We don't have time for this," he said. "Tell me what you've found here."

Tuvok straightened his uniform as if being physically assaulted by the First Officer was part of his normal day, and stepped over the brig threshold.

"The force of the blast was concentrated in the cell closest to the corridor. We have found traces of the DNA from a single Kazon individual spread evenly throughout the blast radius. Footage from the cargo bay shows that only four Kazon left Voyager. We can therefore safely assume that one of the Kazon prisoners activated a bomb while in custody, and died in the explosion."

"Were the prisoners not searched before being put in the brig?"

"They were, Commander. Quite thoroughly, including internal scans to detect concealed weapons. However, the Doctor found evidence of an organic explosive which was most probably carried within the bloodstream of the individual, thus evading the more basic security scans. A sophisticated technology which I have never heard of. I have asked Lt Torres to modify the internal sensors to scan for those molecules so as to avoid another incident."

 _Better late than never_. The Chief of Security had let the ship and the captain down in spectacular fashion, and only the urgency of the situation prevented Chakotay from reminding Tuvok of that fact every few minutes.

He tapped his comms badge. "Chakotay to Torres."

"Yes Commander?"

"How are you going with reconfiguring the internal sensors to track the organic explosive?"

"Completed. The sensors will identify any Kazon carrying the chemicals as soon as they set foot on the ship. I have also set the transporter to automatically beam them out in space. We won't get caught again."

"The Kazon had the element of surprise and I doubt they will re-use that tactic. However, they are nothing if not persistent. What about warp speed?"

"I need another half day. We've got to re-align the starboard ventral array and ensure the plasma conduit is properly pressurised. Without that, we risk a cascade of failures and we'll be back to square one."

"Understood, Chakotay out." There was nothing he could do to hurry the repairs. He knew the Chief Engineer was doing her utmost.

The two men moved to the entrance to the Jefferies tube, retracing the prisoners' escape route. There was no point following the same way. The Kazon had gone straight to the cargo bay, led by Seska who knew the ship inside out. After achieving their goal to cripple the ship and pilfer equipment that was easy to carry, the Kazon had made a quick escape with all they needed at their disposal: a guide, a hostage and a stolen transport. The perfect raid, planned and executed with greater skill than the Kazon had shown until then. Chakotay recognised Seska's hand at work, a Seska he did not understand anymore.

He knew she had not been thrilled to work as a Starfleet crew member but defecting to the enemy was something he would never had believed if Tuvok had not shown him the recordings of the escape. There was no doubt Seska had turned to the Kazon. She was most probably the source of the unrest within the crew, hiding her future betrayal behind the smoke screen of a Maquis uprising. But there was more to her turning to their enemies that met the eyes. Something else was at foot, some plan behind the treachery, but he could not see what it could be.

"At the very least, you should have told me of your early suspicions there was a traitor on board. Together we would have been able to deal with that threat." Chakotay said, looking down the ladder.

"I suspected the traitor was a Maquis. I could not come to you with that information until I had more evidence," Tuvok said.

"You did not trust me, in other words" Chakotay said in a bitter voice, "and obviously neither could the Captain," he added with dismay, straightening up.

"I did not mention my suspicions to Captain Janeway either. I was attempting to gather more data before approaching her with the proof, so she would not need to make the choice herself as to whether to trust you or not . I now see I waited too long before presenting my initial findings to her."

Chakotay turned around, shocked by the revelation. "You did not tell the Captain!" Once again, he restrained himself. "I'll leave her to deal with you. This ship needs the two of us to get her back, and we will get her back, protocols or no protocols. But from now on, you tell me anything you see or hear or think. Is that clear?" he barked.

"Yes. Very clear, Commander," Tuvok answered, his eyes focused on the wall behind the First Officer.

Chakotay waved him off. "Dismissed." He watched Tuvok's back disappear among the mess of broken conduits and fallen walls.

Months of blending the two crews together had come to this. The most senior officers distrusting each other, a mirror of what was happening among the crew. The result was a missing captain, a traitor loose among the Kazon and spirits knew what else Seska was scheming.

He walked slowly back to the bridge, hoping against all odds that Kathryn was still alive. That the Kazon had not killed her in the brig while they had the chance indicated they wanted something from her.

'The Kazon or Seska?' he wondered.


	3. Chapter 3 - Punishment

**Chapter 3 – Punishment**

"My new friends are making a bit of a mess of you, aren't they?" Seska said, stepping gingerly over a dark red puddle. She waited for Janeway's eyes to focus. "Don't worry, Kathryn, I just want to talk to you."

Janeway did not even try one of her famous glares on the woman. She was conserving her strength for another round of brutality, of a kind she had not experienced at the hands of so-called sentient beings for a long time.

"We've never seen eye to eye, have we? You are the Starfleet captain of a shiny ship, and I am just a Maquis and now lowly Ensign. Or that's what everybody thinks," Seska stated, slowly circling her prisoner. She slid a finger along a deep gash on Janeway's side, smiling when she saw the older woman tense against her touch. She leaned a bit closer, whispering in Janeway's ear. "But guess what Kathryn? I am not who I seem to be."

Janeway knew Seska as a contrarian woman, always arguing orders like so many of her Maquis comrades and most probably some 'fleeters too, disgruntled at being forced to remain in the Delta quadrant. A big jump to aiding the enemy, though. "Seems pretty evident, Seska. You are a traitor."

"Oh, I am hurt," Seska said in a mocking tone. She wiped her finger against Janeway's undershirt. "Well, if it was true, I would be in good company, talking to a murderer. But you are wrong. You've got no idea who I really am."

"No shit," Janeway said, uninterested. Why did traitors always feel they had to explain themselves to their hapless prisoners? Most holonovels she'd read were more original than this.

She shuffled on her feet in a vain attempt to put less strain on her hands held above her head. Since the Kazon had left the room, she had been attempting to manipulate the locks on the wrist restraints, but her fingers were slowly losing all feeling.

"You and I, Kathryn, go back a long time, much longer than you think," Seska said. She scraped a finger along Janeway's jaw. "Let me start when I learnt the name of the state of the art Starfleet ship that was coming to capture the Val Jean. I read the files on its crew. Yours was particularly interesting."

"How would you have known of our assignment? Our mission to the Badlands was classified," Janeway said, her attention drawn to the woman's words despite her best judgment.

"Ah, yes, but you see, I never said anything about accessing Starfleet records. I have, well now you can say I _had_ , thanks to you, my own intelligence sources then." Seska said with a frown. "What I want to talk to you about are those few weeks you and Admiral Paris went missing while you were both serving on the Al-Batani."

Janeway looked at Seska warily. "We were on a scientific expedition. That's all." Who was this woman? What did she know of a mission which was still off any official record some twelve years later?

"There is no need to defend your precious Federation secrets any longer, Kathryn. Not here in the Delta quadrant. But suit yourself. Instead, I'm going to tell you a story." Seska grabbed a chair, turned it around and sat down, her arms crossed over the metal back.

"Once upon a time, there was a young woman who belonged to a well-to-do, influential family. Her father was a high ranking officer and it was clear to all that one day, she would follow in his footsteps," Seska intoned. "A familiar story, isn't it Kathryn, from what I've read of your own family records. But that's where the similarities end."

Listening to Seska's ramblings with only half an ear, Janeway used her upper arm to brush away the hair that had fallen over her eyes. The odds of escaping the Kazon ship were not stacked in her favour. Nevertheless, she was still alive, and when the Kazon were going to realise that she would not answer their questions, they might let slip their next tactic to take over Voyager.

Seska's voice droned on. "The parents of this hard working, ambitious young woman died when she was in her early teens. Her father's brother took her under his wing, a rare gesture in Cardassian society. He was a man of many talents, rising fast within a military hierarchy not known to be lenient with mistakes. As she grew older and showed promise, she accompanied him on some of his official duties. A kind of work experience, if you like."

Janeway looked around. The glare of the spot light made it impossible to see any exit. Even if she could slip off her restraints, how to get any information back to Tuvok was another matter. Although she was counting on him to try to contact the Kazon, if only because she had escaped from Starfleet custody. A chuckle almost escaped from her dry throat. Her situation was getting stranger by the minute. Murderer, prisoner, fugitive, and now a traitor's confidante.

Frowning, Seska stood up and came closer to Janeway. "We are coming to the best bit. Listen up." She lifted Janeway's chin, then nodded when she saw her prisoner's eyes boring down on hers. "Better, much better, Kathryn."

She smiled and stepped back. "One day, her uncle asked the young woman to come with him to a military facility he was in command of. He said it was important for her to see how enemies of the Union were treated. After arriving on the base and going through the checkpoints, they came into a long corridor, bordered by prison cells on either side. Her uncle opened one of the doors, and there was a female human, only a few years older than our protagonist."

She grinned when she saw a flicker of recognition on her prisoner's face. "I see my little tale is starting to interest you. I thought it would."

She slowly walked around Janeway, stopping behind her. "The human had long dirty hair, a filthy uniform. She was pale, weak. She stunk. The commander explained that she was from the Federation, a Starfleet officer who had been sent to spy on us. He said that humans should be treated like animals because that was what they were, and that those spies deserve their fate."

Janeway felt as if the room temperature had dropped ten degrees. She remembered those weeks, the smell of the dark damp cell, the lack of food, the young woman, spotless and arrogant, who had appeared at the doorway for a few minutes. Most of all, she remembered the man who had forced a terrified Ensign to watch her superior officer being tortured, the blows raining on his battered body, the screams and blood pouring out of him. She had locked away the memories of that horrifying time spent in a Cardassian prison, but they had never disappeared.

Seska's grin widened as Janeway twisted her body to face her. "Next thing, we paid a visit to Admiral Paris, a few cells down from yours. My uncle had been working on him for some time and told me all about how to break a human over time. How to make them squirm and squeal. How to make them doubt their own sanity. I looked forward to coming back the following day and try my hand on you."

Bringing her face close to the older woman's, Seska hissed. "You know who my uncle was, don't you Kathryn?"

"Gul Camet," Janeway spat out. "I should have recognised the same foul stench on you, Cardassian." She was fighting hard to regain her composure. Seska's rant against a human female she had only glimpsed for a few minutes more than a decade ago was clearly personal. Get Seska angry and she might disclose more than she would want her prisoner to know about Culluh's plan for Voyager.

"I understand Camet did not fare well after Admiral Paris and I left his care," she said, smiling.

Seska's smirk disappeared. "Last time I heard from Gorr Camet, he was a foot soldier on a far flung disputed planet. Your escape brought him and his entire family down, my career almost dead before it had even begun. All this because of two humans."

"Oh, spare me the tears," Janeway said, a caustic tone in her voice.

Seska backhanded her viciously, then dug her fingernails into the flesh of her prisoner's jaw. "I promised myself to avenge the fate brought upon me. I worked hard to make people forget my uncle's mistake. I rose up the ranks slowly, glad to be given low level missions. I ended up on a miserable Maquis ship, its handsome captain and his hard sex the only things making my life bearable."

Kathryn kept her gaze level. If there was something she had learnt from her time at the hands of the Cardassians, it was not to give them the satisfaction that what they were doing was hurting. Hard.

"Then Voyager was sent after us and I realised my mission had to be more important than spying on a bunch of Maquis losers. But your senseless decision to exile us forever in the Delta quadrant means that I'll never know what my real orders were. And now Cardassia has added my name on their list of failures, thanks to you." Seska's face was only a few inches from Janeway's.

Janeway licked her bloodied lips. "As the Earth saying goes, like uncle, like niece."

This time, Seska put her hand to the woman's neck and squeezed hard. "You're lucky I have a devious mind, and that the Kazon still think they'll get something out of you. Otherwise you would already be dead."

She glowered for a few seconds, then opened her hand. Dropping her head on her chest, Janeway gulped a few breaths of stale air.

"Culluh will soon be back to continue his questioning. While we wait, there's one more thing I would like us to discuss."

Seska turned the chair around, sat down and crossed her legs, the image of the perfect hostess. "About you and Chakotay." 

* * *

"Commander, a Kazon vessel is approaching on long range sensors. It's Culluh's flag ship."

"At last." Chakotay sat down. "Red alert, Ensign."

They had been waiting for two days now. Neelix had said the Kazon would be back, and Chakotay had agreed with him. Seska had not been able to take much stolen gear with her, and a shuttle was not the ship. By now, Culluh was bound to know all about Voyager's capabilities thanks to Seska's betrayal, and he would want the whole lot.

Voyager could hold their own against one Kazon ship, but it was unlikely Culluh would be alone for long. They needed to locate the Captain, get her back on board and fly away, fast. Back on the Val Jean, Chakotay had often led similar operations to rescue a Maquis comrade. But this time, it was not going to be that simple. Seska was on the other side, and she knew all his tactics.

"I'm receiving a narrow communication beam from the enemy vessel. It's on a Starfleet visual frequency," Kim said.

"On screen." Maybe Kathryn had managed to escap–.

"Chakotay! How does it feel getting that fourth pip on your collar?" Seska's face came in and out of focus in the dim lighting. As the image sharpened, she peered at him. "Not yet? What have you been waiting for?"

Frustrated , Chakotay stood up from his command chair, tight fists at his side. "What do you want, Seska?"

The woman leaned back a little, sneering. "I persuaded Culluh I would make a better ambassador than him, so here I am. He's offering you a deal, Chakotay: a small, solitary ship hunted by each and every Kazon tribe until they get the technology they want, or an alliance with the Nistrim who will protect you."

Chakotay snorted and did not answer.

"The conditions are not onerous and are quite reasonable: an exchange of crew members and technology, to cement the alliance so mutual protection is assured. You'll remain Voyager's captain and Culluh promises the ship will not be boarded. Think about it: no more fighting, no more fleeing, no more spending seventy-five years in this tin box trying to get home. And for what? Thrown in prison as soon as you hit Federation space."

Seska's smile widened. "You are smart and decisive, Chakotay. That's what I've always liked about you. Together, we could easily rule the Kazon-Nistrim and transform them into a force nobody will dare touch. Then, the rest of the Kazon sects will follow us, like dominos. "

Chakotay sank back in his chair, stunned. His former lover was dangling the vision of a Kazon empire in front of him. He knew what he wanted most, and becoming part of a triumvirate with a traitor and a thug was certainly not on his to-do list.

He shook his head. "Why would I believe a Cardassian spy, Seska? A woman who changes faces and sides so quickly I am having problems remembering why I ever cared about you."

"How do you know?" Seska stepped back, frowning. Behind her, the room was dark and featureless except for a harsh beam of light silhouetting a lone figure spinning slowly in the background.

"Your tactics seemed familiar," Chakotay smiled in return. "Even for an ex-Maquis and now former Engineering ensign, you were able to cover your traces too well, you knew too many tricks. I asked the Doctor to do a thorough analysis of the DNA sample you had to provide when we all came on board Voyager. It took him some time but he says there's no way your medical history could explain the presence of so many Cardassian genetic markers."

Seska had already recovered. "Well, it does not matter now. Yes, I am a Cardassian operative, placed on the Val Jean to gather intelligence about the Maquis movements. Who cares anymore? We are 75,000 light years away from a forgotten war. I am no longer your enemy, Chakotay."

"Sure doesn't look it from where I stand. Why have you allied yourself to the Kazon?" Seska was stalling, that was clear, but he knew her manipulative mind well enough. There was more to her contacting him than discussing Culluh's offer.

"Because I prefer to be on the side of the winners and Voyager has not looked like one since we blasted the Caretaker array. Janeway was too arrogant and stupid to grab her chances when they were there for the taking and now we are stuck here. There's no future for you lot if you keep thinking as if you were in the Alpha quadrant. Be the captain Janeway could never be and one day, soon, you'll be so much more," she said, her harsh features filling the screen.

Chakotay stood up. "What have you done with the Captain?" he said in an ominous tone of voice. He did not want to make the captain a pawn in whatever Culluh had in mind for Voyager, but he needed to know.

Malevolence flashed in Seska's eyes. "Me? Nothing. But the Nistrim don't really get Starfleet protocols about the chain of command. I knew Tuvok would have changed the command access codes the moment Janeway was charged with murder, but who was I to tell them? They like to ask questions."

She waved her arm and the camera zoomed to the centre of the room. "Meet the mighty Kathryn Janeway. Not much left of her arrogance, is it."

The bridge fell silent, all staring horrified at the screen.

Janeway's hands were attached above her head to a chain fixed to the ceiling. A short rope was wrapped around her neck. Her jacket and turtleneck were gone, the regulation grey undershirt in shreds and most of the bare skin covered in crisscrossed red slashes and dark bruises. Barefoot, she was hanging an inch off the floor, the lower left leg jutting at an unnatural angle.

Seska approached the Captain and pulled her prisoner's head back, forcing her to look at the camera. "Kathryn, say hello to Captain Chakotay."

A large contusion covered much of the side of Janeway's face, one eye swollen shut. Strands of matted bloodied hair stuck to her brow and cheek. She mumbled a few words but Seska swiftly pulled on the neck rope.

"Oh no, I've had enough of your Starfleet bullshit. Name, rank, ship; name, rank, ship... It does get repetitive."

She shook her head, as if lamenting Janeway's lack of cooperation. "A bit worse for wear, I'm afraid. The Kazon interrogation techniques aren't very subtle. They tend to get physical when they're frustrated. The Cardassians could teach them a thing or two."

She moved away, still holding the choke rope. Janeway's swollen hands opened and closed, the only indication there was still life in her.

Chakotay swallowed hard. In his years in the Maquis, he had seen many close friends beaten to a pulp, their pleas for mercy rarely answered by their captors. The sight in front of him was harrowing. Anger pressed against his mind like an old friend. He forced it aside.

"I demand Janeway's return, Seska. She is wanted for murder of a crew member," he said, hoping to sound officious enough.

Seska laughed. "And there I was, thinking Voyager's scuttlebutt about the two of you, the handsome renegade and Starfleet glamour girl, was true. Kathryn and I talked about what you were up to on your weekly evenings together. She didn't say much. She probably does not want to lose her precious Maquis poodle, the bitch." She scowled and shoved Janeway's body, letting her swing from the ceiling.

"I tell you what. You've got ten minutes to make up your mind up about Culluh's proposal. The Maquis are ready to revolt. They've had enough of Starfleet rules. They'll follow you, and you can use your natural charisma to bring the rest of the crew along."

Seska's smile came back. "You can have Janeway back too, as a good will gesture. You are right, she deserves to be punished. I quite enjoyed the spectacle of a Starfleet captain put on trial by her own crew."

Kathryn shook violently, straining against the gag around her neck. Seska yanked on the rope once again and her captive shuddered, fingers twitching.

"Commander, three Kazon ships appearing on long range sensors," Harry said in a dejected voice.

Seska's smile morphed into a sneer. "My apologies, we talk, we talk, and I completely forgot to tell you about those ships coming our way. You better think pretty quick about where your best interests lie, Chakotay. I still care for a few of you, you know, and I would hate to see you all die to uphold a few pathetic Starfleet principles about keeping Federation technology to yourselves."

"Keep track of them, Ensign," Chakotay said.

He needed more time to talk Seska into revealing her plan, because he was sure she had a hidden agenda. The Kazon-Nistrim had not yet attacked, as it had been their habit every time they came within weapon range, but he strongly doubted Culluh would keep to the terms of this proposed alliance for very long. An exchange of crew members was just a euphemism for a potential hostage situation.

"I want the Captain back now. As a gesture of good will, as you say." Chakotay pressed on.

Seska lifted a mocking eyebrow. "So maybe the rumours were right after all?"

She shook her head. "You'll get her back when you drop your shields. You have neither the time nor the might to bargain for more, Chakotay. Culluh is waiting for an answer. Don't disappoint him."

She leaned towards the camera. "Or me."

The screen went blank.

Chakotay forced himself to look at the situation with Tuvok's logical and cold eyes. He broke the silence that had descended on the bridge. "An alliance with the Nistrim is out of the question. Not on these terms. And we can't fight four Kazon ships. Any suggestions?"

"We can't leave the Captain behind," Kim pleaded, his indignation reflecting the thoughts of all present. "I mean, I know she's pleaded guilty to Suder's death, but surely ..."

Tuvok spoke. "Captain Janeway herself does not wish to be brought back."

Chakotay gave him a blank look. Of all the scenarios which were going through his mind, Kathryn not wanting to be back on Voyager was the last thing he would believe. "What are you saying, Tuvok? She could hardly talk."

"Ensign Kim, please re-run the transmission from the Kazon ship, from when we see the Captain," Tuvok said.

A few seconds later, Janeway and Seska filled the screen once more. "Please turn off the sound, " Tuvok added, ignoring the surprised glances coming his way. "Notice, here and here, how the Captain opens and closes her hands. This is not a random pattern. She could not speak freely so —."

"She used sign language," Chakotay said, stunned at the Captain's resourcefulness in passing on a message to her crew even as she was brutalised.

Two fingers intertwined. Now, her swollen hand was making an O. Was she saying she was OK? "Tuvok, can you read this? Kim, start again, and magnify."

The Chief of Security walked closer to the screen. "At first, she is signing 'Danger' several times. But when Seska said she was willing to let the Captain go, the signs change. A 'no', period, then the letters T, R, O, Y. Period."

He gave Chakotay a knowing look. "Captain Janeway's message to us says 'No. Troy'. She is telling us not to allow anything that the Kazon will seek to bring to Voyager."

Chakotay fell back in his chair, his hopes dashed. "Beware the Greeks bearing gifts. Damn Seska."

"But she assured us the Kazon won't board Voyager," Kim said, without thinking. Then the reality of Janeway's message dawned on him. "The Captain. They are sending the Captain back."

Tom finished the thought for him. "The Kazon have booby trapped her. She's carrying the same explosive as the prisoner in the brig."

"A logical conclusion. No doubt Seska has taken some pleasure in ensuring Captain Janeway was made aware of her predicament. The Captain is clearly ordering us not to rescue her," Tuvok said in a grim voice. He did not think the Kazon would have thought of such a plan alone.

"It is illogical for Seska to return the Captain to us," he continued. "She must have convinced Culluh an alliance with us might work but she knows we will never accept such a plan. She thinks we have no idea on how the explosive works, or that we will assume the Kazon would not be using the same tactic again."

Seska's wanton disregard for Kathryn's life churned deep inside Chakotay's gut. "An alliance could threaten her newly-found position as Culluh's advisor. She knows we would transport the Captain directly to sickbay from the cargo bay, and has probably rigged a remote detonator, or a timer. Voyager would end up crippled and at the mercy of Culluh's men."

Tuvok was back as his console, scrutinising Voyager's deck schematics. "You are correct as to the effect an explosion in sickbay would have on the ship, Commander. If of a similar intensity to the one in the brig, a blast there would take out the energy grid in section 4 and 9, the armoury and both transporters. We would be 'dead in the water' as Mr Paris is fond of saying."

"Warp speed would be gone for good, the shields compromised, and the Kazon would have free range of the ship, with Security only able to use small hand weapons," Tom added.

The officers on the bridge were trying hard not to think what such an explosion would mean for Kathryn Janeway.

Chakotay stood up. Kathryn had sacrificed herself for the good of the ship, despite being thrown in the brig by her own crew, the shame of a court martial, and horrendous Kazon torture. The determination and courage of that woman were phenomenal, but now her fate and that of the ship were in his hands. "Tuvok, did you get the source of the transmission?"

"There is a fluctuating dampening field about twenty metres starboard of the Kazon bridge. I believe that is where Seska and Captain Janeway are located. The rest of the ship is not heavily screened and a scan only shows Kazon life signs."

"Harry, analyse the field frequency and reinitialise the transporter targeting scanners to match. We'll transport the Captain through as we fly by the Kazon ship. I don't want to wait for Seska to give us the go-ahead."

"Right on it, Commander." Kim's back was a bit straighter, his face hopeful.

Tuvok turned towards Chakotay. "I strongly recommend against this action. Starfleet safety protocols specify for good reasons that no transport can be performed between a motionless ship and one which has reached warp speed. There is a high probability we will lose the Captain's signal."

Chakotay sighed. As much as he did not let himself say it aloud, especially in front of the Captain, sometimes Starfleet protocols could be a pain.

"B'Elanna has used that manoeuvre several times when we were in the Maquis. It's just a matter of synchronising the transporter with the warp core frequency, and ..."

He smiled ruefully. "Seska would expect me to try that trick."

Tuvok nodded. "Indeed. She knows your Maquis instincts would lead you to use that strategy."

"In that case, we won't be at warp during the transport. Let's do what the Maquis do best. Be unpredictable."

Chakotay touched his comms badge. "B'Elanna. I want you to disable the internal sensor trigger and set the transporter to screen out the organic explosive. Can you do that?"

"I can piggyback on the transporter anti-viral program, but it's a more risky process than just blasting the carrier into space," B'Elanna answered.

"I understand. You've got two minutes. Let me know when it's done. Chakotay out."

He turned to Kim. "How long before Seska comes back online?"

"Four minutes, Commander."

"And the Kazon ships?"

"They've gathered around Culluh's ship, Sir, but they are not moving. They are not Nistrim ships."

"Interesting," Tuvok said. "Culluh might be trying to impress the heads of other sects with his plan to take over Voyager and its technology."

"Good, maybe they'll fight each other when his prize disappears from underneath his nose," Chakotay said harshly. "Tom, when I give the order, go to warp, aiming straight for the Kazon ships. When we are right in the middle of the pack, drop to impulse. They will be expecting us to flee or to stay put, not appear between them. Can you do that?"

"Going to and out of warp at such a close distance is dicey, Commander, but you can count on me," Tom said, already focusing on calculating the navigation requirements for the dangerous move.

"Harry, as soon as we are out of warp, drop the shields. Tuvok, you'll have half a second to get a fix on the Captain, transport her directly to sickbay and erect a level-ten _containment field_ around her as soon as she's on board." He breathed out slowly. "Just in case something goes wrong with the transporter."

"Understood, Commander."

"When the transport is finished, Kim, you will raise the shields up again. Tuvok, you will direct a full volley of torpedoes from both starboard and port. Tom, you'll get us out at warp 9. By the time the Kazon ships react, they'll be shooting at each other."

"Aye, sir."

B'Elanna's voice came back. "Chakotay, the transporter is ready. Can you tell me why – ?"

"We're getting the Captain back, B'Elanna."

"She's carrying the explosive?"

"Most likely," Chakotay conceded.

"Chakotay, the anti-viral program is not a hundred per cent effective," B'Elanna said, sounding worried. "There might still be some molecules of the explosive left in her blood stream. It's too dangerous."

"We don't have a choice, B'Elanna. Explain the situation to the EMH. Chakotay out."

"Commander, I've got the dampening field frequency and I'm re-aligning the transporter scanners to match," Harry announced.

"The containment field is ready to deploy. The targets are acquired." Tuvok's voice was as calm as usual.

"Tom, engage."

Voyager soared towards the enemy ships.

* * *

 _With a small homage to Carrie Fisher (1956-2016)._

 _The inspiration for the Seska-Janeway scene came from Breached by Cheshire6845, a post-End Game KJ & BT story. Check it out at s/4505419/1/Breached. It is a great story._

 _I can't take the credit for my take on Seska's background, even as I conveniently forgot where I got the idea. Mia Cooper's story 'Cold' ( s/11900979/1/Cold) is a cool and intricate AU tale of Seska-Janeway-Chakotay back stories._


	4. Chapter 4 - Judgement

The Doctor had kept her bed-bound for three long days, most of which she thankfully did not remember. She had finally escaped sickbay constraining walls in the late afternoon, allowed to return to her quarters this time rather than the brig which was still under repairs. Even in the familiar environment, she was edgy, jumping at shadows for no reason she could fathom. When Kes had commed her, wanting to talk about the trial, she had welcomed her visit.

"I don't want you to fight the charges against me. I've already told Tuvok I am ready to take the stand as soon as possible," Kathryn said, pacing the room.

Kes was seated on the lounge, looking at her with that intense stare, the one she reserved for occasions when she knew a wrong was being perpetrated. It might have stopped Neelix in his tracks, but Kathryn was past worrying about the trial. She just hoped Kes was not going to blame herself for the predictable outcome.

"I thank you for what you've done for me, but nothing has changed. The trial is a distraction to the crew, and Chakotay needs to be confirmed as captain to deal with the Kazon. The sooner I am out of everybody's way, the better."

"You do not understand, Captain," Kes said. "I think the Doctor might have discovered something which could help your defence."

It was not so long ago that she had held Janeway's broken body in her arms, reassuring her that all the explosive had been purged from her blood and that she was not going to blow up her own ship. Now, Kes faced the same depth of stubbornness and self-sacrifice that had sustained the Captain while in the hands of the Kazon. This was a woman with only one goal in life since she'd arrived in what she called the Delta quadrant, and she was unconditionally willing to accept public disgrace, prison and even death, so her crew would get back to their far away home. Changing her mind about her plea was not going to be an easy task.

Nevertheless, Kes continued, hands folded in her lap, as resolute as her friend.

"Between your guilty plea and then your abduction, nobody has been looking any further into the evidence, but I thought there might be more to it. Yesterday, I asked the Doctor for Suder's medical records. His neural scan from two years ago, when the Maquis crew joined Voyager, showed he had none of the physical or mental attributes associated with being a Betazoid. His medical interview at the time confirms that, and last year's routine medical did not indicate any change in what would be a lifelong disability for a member of his species."

Kathryn chastised herself for not realising earlier how Kes' natural empathy must have been deeply affected by what had happened on Voyager, with the impact of Suder's mind control and a crew traumatised by Seska's litany of lies. She sat down near the young woman and held her hands.

"I already knew that. Chakotay told me months ago when we were discussing the need for a medical assistant to the EMH. I asked him about the Betazoids on his crew and he told me the only one was Suder and that he had no mental powers whatsoever. I am really grateful for your determination in trying to help me, but there is nothing more you can do. I killed Suder and it's best if it stays at that."

Kes squeezed Kathryn's hands tight, deciding to try an different tack. "When Lieutenant Tuvok requested I become your Counsel, I asked him how criminal investigations were conducted in the Federation. We do not have much crime among the Ocampa. I was curious."

Kathryn had to smile at the young woman's admission. The least she could so was to listen to her, even though there was very little likelihood that what Kes had found would withstand a challenge by the prosecution.

Taking Janeway's smile as an encouragement, Kes resumed telling of her conversation with Voyager's Chief of Security. "He told me the key concepts the prosecution had to uncover were means, motive, and opportunity. In your case, it was the motive which was eluding him, but he said that a jury could still find you guilty without one, especially as you had already confessed to the crime. Yet, I wondered about it."

The young woman face grew pensive. "I asked the Doctor if we could do a second post-mortem on Suder. The first one had only be done to confirm how the man had died."

A radiant smile illuminated her face. "The Doctor found something, Captain. Something extraordinary. Suder's brain at the time of his death showed the enlarged areas of a fully functioning telepathic Betazoid."

Her smile dimmed, watching with concern as the Captain pulled away, her face growing pale.

"That does not change anything," Kathryn said, leaving the couch. "There is no way to prove Suder could use his mental powers, or for what purpose. It's irrelevant. Ayala will rip into the Doctor's evidence." She walked to the window and put her hand of her hip, looking at the starts streaking by outside.

"That's not all, Captain." Kes added, shaking her head. She was on the right track. The Captain had not denied her findings about Suder's abilities.

"The Doctor had taken samples and standard readings of the body before starting the first autopsy, but he hadn't analysed them in depth. We went back to that data and found Suder had elevated concentrations of very specific neurotransmitters. The Doctor says that those levels are strongly indicative of a long-term psychopathology. We checked Suder's past medical charts and found that his readings have remained high for the whole time he was on Voyager, while those of other Maquis crewmen have declined significantly since they settled on the ship."

Kathryn turned around to face the young woman. "I don't understand," she said, eyes narrowing.

"The Doctor believes that Suder had pre-existing and deep-seated psychopathic tendencies to violence. I have asked some of his Maquis comrades about him, and they've told me he was sometimes too good as what he was doing. That he liked killing." Kes shuddered at the thought.

"The darkness I sensed that day. I am now sure that it was his terrible thoughts I felt. I only had a glimpse at his mind from far away, but you and Commander Chakotay were on the bridge with him, so much closer," Kes said, her face showing only compassion.

"What did he do, Captain? What did he put in your mind that compelled you to kill him?"

* * *

"And somehow, since the last neural scan he undertook following a minor altercation with another crew member a few weeks ago, Crewman Suder regained his inherited Betazoid capabilities. That is the only explanation for the sudden development of the brain areas typical of his species. I can only speculate that those abilities had been suppressed for most of his life through a childhood accident or trauma."

The EMH paused, savouring the attention. The cargo bay was packed for the second day of the Captain's trial. Seska's treachery and Janeway's ordeal in the hands of the Kazon were on everybody's lips. Without the Cardassian's poisonous words throwing Maquis against 'fleeters, the feelings of the crew towards Janeway were in disarray. How could she have killed one of their own one day, and tried to save the ship less than a week later? The promise of a breakthrough at her trial was too much to bear and they were eagerly waiting for the EMH to conclude his evidence.

"Please continue with your statement," Tuvok said in a voice bordering on the impatient.

The Doctor's self-satisfied smile faded on the large wall screen. "Yes, of course. Well, I had many breathing and living casualties to deal with, which took most of my time, and it's only much later on —"

"Doctor, if you do not keep to the facts concerning this trial, and only those, I will indict you for wasting the court's time," Tuvok warned.

The hologram recoiled from the implied threat. "In summary, my analysis indicates that Mister Suder's psychopathy was recently boosted by a cumulative and self-sustaining feedback loop between his innate violence and his newly developed Betazoid abilities."

The jury members looked at each other, confused at the convoluted explanation. Kathryn glanced at Chakotay sitting at the front of the public rows. She watched in dismay as he clenched his fists, looking tightly wound up.

"Thank you Doctor. Your expertise is of great help." Kes said. "If I may summarise, at the time of his death, Crewman Suder was capable of not only controlling or influencing the minds of others but also of imposing violent thoughts on his victims. Is that your conclusion?"

"Yes," the EMH said with a triumphant smile. "That is exactly what the facts indicate."

Ayala stood up. "Objection, Your Honour. The EMH's evidence is circumstantial and based on nothing more than speculations. I move to have his entire deposition struck off the record."

The EMH puffed and huffed on the screen which was linking him to the court room from sickbay. The crowd directed some hard stares at the prosecuting officer. Kes was the only one who did not seem ruffled by Ayala's comments.

"Overruled. The Doctor has made it clear when he presented the facts, and when he made logical inference from those," Tuvok countered.

Ayala sat down, nodding at Kes who took up where she had left off. "Doctor, what do you think originally triggered the rise of Suder's mental abilities?"

"That I cannot say," the EMH answered with a frown. "The only thing I can be certain of is that whatever the cause, it occurred very recently. Three or four weeks at most."

Kathryn stared as Tuvok almost dropped his gavel. Nobody else than her seemed to notice his lapse in concentration, as he gathered himself quickly.

"One more thing, Doctor," Kes said. "Can you tell us what Crewman Suder's mental powers would have become if he had lived?"

"It is my medical opinion that if the Captain had not stopped him, his powers would have increased exponentially and we would have had a homicidal monster on the loose among the crew. I shudder to think of the consequences. The Captain's actions saved this ship."

"Objection, Your Honour. The Doctor is clearly speculating," Ayala belatedly interjected.

Tuvok nodded. "Sustained. Counsel, please refrain from asking your witnesses for mere opinions."

"Yes, Your Honour," Kes said. "Thank you Doctor for your deposition. I now call Captain Janeway to the stand."

The EMH disappeared from the screen. The crew in attendance murmured among themselves. Many gave Kathryn a nod or a smile as she walked to the small bench near the jury. She kept her eyes averted, her thoughts moving from optimism to hopelessness at a speed she could not control anymore.

"Captain, please tell us what happened the afternoon of the Kazon attack, when you, Commander Chakotay and the repair team Crewman Suder was part of, became isolated on the bridge."

Kathryn looked straight at Chakotay, sitting so very still. "The five Kazon had surrendered and Commander Chakotay had confiscated their weapons. Two crew members were dead. Ensign Kim was unconscious, although at the time I thought he had been killed too. Crewman Suder was badly injured but alert. The bridge was still in lockdown but I had managed to raise Tuvok and let him know we had the bridge under control. The Kazon ship had retreated. There were no more threats."

Chakotay leaned forward, concentrating on her every word.

"That's when I felt thoughts of vengeance and carnage forced into my mind, and then Commander Chakotay's. I realised it had to be Suder. He was watching us, trying to control us. He wanted us to kill the Kazon prisoners. To slaughter them while they were unarmed and overpowered, so that we could be free from rules of conduct he believed were harming the ship."

She had not seen Chakotay since Seska's attempt to lure him into a doomed alliance with the Kazon. Tuvok must have reminded him that court protocols prevented witness and accused from talking to each other. She did not know how much he remembered of that tragic afternoon on the bridge. How could she tell all gathered here about tasting his anger, his thoughts of revenge, even as he fought them?

Kathryn let her voice rise. "Suder thought the only way the crew would survive the long journey home was to renounce who we are and embrace the violence that lurks within each of us. He wanted to teach us to enjoy killing so it would become easier for us to do the same in the future. I just could not let that happen. I am sorry I killed him. I reacted too hastily. I should have switched my phaser to stun. But I am not sorry to have stopped him, so we would not become like him. Twisted and brutal."

The packed room had fallen silent, as if all in attendance had stopped breathing. The last thing she had wanted to do was to make a speech, but she needed Chakotay to know what Suder had forced on him.

He was no longer looking at her.

Other questions were put to her by both Kes and Ayala, and she replied without remembering the details of her answers. She returned to her seat near Kes. No other witnesses were called and Tuvok summarised the case to the jury, but she did not listen to his arguments. She was feeling numb and empty, her thoughts now adrift.

She heard the jury being sent away to deliberate, then their return a mere moment later, it seemed. The 'not guilty' verdict resonated within the room. She looked up, and as if on cue, the stomping started, the same pounding which had heralded her fate only a few days before. Her heart run ahead of the loud rhythm, even as she heard the clapping and cheers.

His voice rising above the din, Tuvok declared the Captain acquitted of all charges and the case dismissed. Kes hugged Kathryn tightly. She remained at her side as if sensing her restlessness. Crew members approached them with words of thanks and distress at what their captain had endured, ending a sad and dark episode of the ship's journey that very few wanted to revisit.

While thanking everybody, Kathryn looked around. Chakotay's chair was empty. Why could not she let herself believe that the nightmare was gone for good.


	5. Chapter 5 - Atonement

**Chapter** **5** **– Atonement**

"I heard you ordered some pretty fancy manoeuvres to get me back, Chakotay. I wanted to thank you," she said, a tentative smile on her lips. "It's good to feel Voyager's decks under my feet again."

If she thought her words were going to thaw Voyager's First Officer, his stern face was laying her plan to waste.

"I put you in danger, Captain. I could not let you die."

She shook her head, frowning. "I don't understand."

"Seska and Suder were part of my crew. They were my concern, my responsibility," he retorted, lacing his boots up with jerky hands. "I let Suder remain on my ship even though I knew of his appalling conduct. I thought it was a phase he was going through, that I would always be there to stop him. When we came to Voyager, I assumed he had outgrown his behaviour when there were no more incidents. I was wrong and my mistake almost cost you your freedom and your captaincy." He lifted his head up. "And Seska. Well, you know all about her."

Kathryn turned aside, wincing. She should have anticipated Chakotay would feel doubly responsible. To her, Seska was less than a person now, her face fading into rapid oblivion. But she had made it clear Chakotay had been her lover, if what the woman had told her prisoner with relish was not entirely the goading of a Cardassian spy, sure of her scheme to destroy everything, and she had almost succeeded —.

"And what are you going to do about Tuvok?" Chakotay was asking. He wrapped his knuckles with white tape, no longer looking at her.

Kathryn put her hand to her brow, tired beyond belief. "What about him?"

What was it between her two most senior officers? As soon as the trial had ended, Tuvok and Chakotay had pulled away, retreating into themselves and hardly talking to her.

"He handed you to the Kazon on a platter," Chakotay said in a flat voice, pulling on a pair of red gloves.

The ship was safely cruising at warp 8, and there was no sign of the Kazon within a few days' distance. She had spent much of her time after the trial touring the ship, talking to all she met, reassuring them and thanking them for their steadfastness during the Kazon attacks. The handful of crew members who had jeered during the trial had come to her so distraught it had been painful to see their remorse for trusting Seska. There were still much distress and confusion, but she could sense that the one thing the crew needed most was time to recover.

She was not so sure about her First Officer. She had found him holed up in the holodeck in the early afternoon, already immersed in the make believe world of a boxing gym.

"Tuvok did nothing of the sort. If it had not been for Seska, he —. "

"What kind of Chief of Security does not tell his captain about a traitor among her crew?" Chakotay flexed his gloves, then hit a large punching bag hanging from the ceiling. The hard leather yielded beneath his hands, letting out a squishy sound.

Kathryn sat down on the bench nearby, feeling queasy. "I agree he should have told me earlier but he had good reasons. The rift between Maquis and Starfleet meant he needed time to find more evidence. The constant Kazon attacks did not help. What if he had told me and I had decided to keep silent and go behind your back to uncover Seska?"

"Why would you have —." Chakotay stopped the bag from swinging. "I see. Same as Tuvok." He smiled, a hard, cynical grin. "Because I am a former Maquis. You would have trusted him even though he's let you down once already. But you still can't bring yourself to trust me."

He pulled back and heaved a punch with all his body weight behind.

"That is not true." The bag swung dangerously close to Kathryn's head. She shuffled a foot down the length of the bench. She could not admit it, but she understood Chakotay's craving for a living, breathing target for his resentment. The problem was that Tuvok was in his sights and she did not know what to do to reconcile the two men. The ship could not operate with the two of them warring. She needed them both at her side.

After half a dozen punches which left his arms trembling, Chakotay climbed up the ring, calling an boxing opponent from the holodeck memory. "That's a moot point anyway. Tuvok didn't give you the choice to take me into your confidence. The very path he chose put you in danger. The brig, the court martial, it was all totally un—"

"He had no choice," she snapped, watching from the corner of her eyes as a Kazon hologram appeared in the ring, jumping lightly on his feet and shaking his arms. "He had to follow Starfleet protocols. I can't reprimand him for doing his duty. Apart from being wrong, what would it achieve?"

She could not help glancing at the simulated fighter, her queasiness deepening. Her quarters, the cargo room, now the holodeck. Everywhere she went, the same feeling of dread came upon her in never-ending waves, drenching her in cold sweat. She was back on Voyager, back as the captain. Why did she feel so wretched?

"He was the only one who could protect you at the time, and he failed you," Chakotay said, eyeing his first challenger.

"Tuvok did not fail me. His duty was and is to the crew," she pleaded. "But you continue to blame him. Why is that, Chakotay? Who are you really so angry at?"

Chakotay threw a left jab. The Kazon let it slip past, barely moving his head. They both retreated, dancing around each other.

"You are right," he said, keeping an eye on his opponent. "I should be angry at the Kazon instead. Their stupid wars, their brutality. What they did to you."

But he did not want to think of them because every time he did, he could see Kathryn's body hanging in a darkened room, and smell her blood dripping on the floor of their ship _._

Coming across the right, he almost made contact with the hologram, but the man rode the punch out easily once again. Chakotay stepped back, light on his feet.

"Or what about Seska? The Cardassian who shared my bed, who spied on my ship. The traitor, setting Maquis against Starfleet when she found herself stuck on Voyager."

The woman who had planned the whole thing, from the Kazon being taken prisoner to her escape, forcing Janeway to come with them so she could send her back to die. He had been unable to help Kathryn through the whole ordeal.

Yes, he hated Seska too.

He rushed his opponent to the ropes, landing a few ineffective hits at too close a range. The Kazon had no difficulty defending himself. Chakotay skipped away, breathing hard.

Was he still under Suder's control? He didn't remember what had happened on the bridge. All he knew was that Kathryn had protected him, saved him from what that spine-chilling Suder had tried to put in his mind. And that was what made him angry above all because he did not want to know what she had seen in his mind, when Suder had fed his rage, its all-encompassing rage at everything and everybody.

The Kazon was watching him from behind his hands. Chakotay moved his right arm back, ready to throw a massive sucker-punch. A hefty uppercut caught him unbalanced instead, and he fell backwards against the ropes. Half-dazed, he wiped his mouth, leaving a dark stain on the glove. The story of his life, always that little bit too late to see what was going on right under his nose.

Kathryn's stomach gave a lurch. Chakotay did not want her help or sympathy. All he wanted to do, needed to do, was to thrash a hologram or two. A pity she could not allow herself the same outlet.

"Tuvok will not suffer any disciplinary actions for what he did or did not do. I count on you to be at my side when I tell him later this afternoon." She stood up without waiting for a response, and made for the holodeck exit, fleeing the grunts and sound of blows against flesh behind her.

Chakotay dodged another jab and resumed his dance. There were plenty more holograms to mush to a pulp.

* * *

Kathryn paused at the door, willing her hands to stop shaking. What had it been this time? The bright lights in the corridor? The sounds of hard laughter from the crew quarters she had passed by, two minutes before? The lingering smell of blood that accompanied her every move even though she had scrubbed herself raw after leaving the holodeck?

She breathed in, out, slowly, ..., eight, nine, ten.

She pressed the chime. "Tuvok, may I come in?"

"Captain. Please, enter."

The room was dimly lit and sparse of furniture. A candle burnt on a low table, cushions set on either side. Two small plants with delicate flowers hung over a set of drawers. A neat stack of PADDs sat on top of the regulation desk near the wall. No doubt all read, analysed and signed off. The same chore was waiting back in her quarters, the pile triple the size and about as stimulating. It would wait a bit longer.

She came straight to the reason for her visit. The advantage of talking to a Vulcan was that one could do away with the polite gestures such as small talk. "This afternoon, you apologised to Commander Chakotay and myself for keeping both of us unaware of your suspicion of a traitor on board Voyager."

There was no need to go into the details, and as she had expected, Tuvok remained silent. "We agreed that you should have approached me earlier about your investigation, but that's hardly a disciplinary matter. I hope I made it clear that we recognised you had little choice after Suder —. " She took another deep breath, her jaws tight against the memories of the fateful event that had just about torn the ship apart. "— after the Suder incident. As a Starfleet officer, you were bound by Starfleet protocols to call a court martial and impeach me."

Tuvok inclined his head. "I understood as much, Captain. Thank you. Is there something else?"

The darkness prevented Janeway from picking up on the subtle visual clues of Tuvok's underlying emotions. She had never made the mistake of thinking that Vulcans were insensitive people as too many on the ship believed, but for now she was going in blind. "Yes. I sense our decision did not satisfy you, for want of a better word."

"Is Commander Chakotay of the same opinion, Captain?"

She frowned. "I did not see the need to discuss my observation with him. I wanted to speak to you as a friend, not as part of the command team."

She was being economical with the truth. Chakotay had stood silently beside her while she had exonerated Tuvok of any wrongdoing. Then he had stormed off. He was probably trouncing another Kazon on the holodeck for all she knew.

"May I sit down? It has been a long day."

The Vulcan turned towards the room, his arm extended. "Of course, Captain."

He settled down on a cushion. Janeway followed suit, rearranging her legs to be more comfortable. Every bone and muscle hurt in the later hours of the day.

Tuvok intertwined his fingers. "Your perception is accurate. I find myself discontented."

"I hope I am not being presumptuous in asking, but why are you disappointed? Is there something more you would like me to do?" Kathryn asked.

"No, Captain. You dealt with the events with much courage and compassion. It is I whom I find wanting."

He lifted a hand, stopping her attempt at interrupting. "Please, let me explain. The Doctor made it clear during your trial that Crewman Suder had developed his mental powers only recently. It seems I might have helped him do so. Suder approached me five weeks ago wanting some advice on how to deal with violent thoughts he had problems controlling. I convinced myself I could divert him from his struggle through simple meditation exercises. He took to the idea readily, and I found him a quick study. After a couple of sessions, he assured me he could continue the exercises alone. I was preoccupied with other matters and did not follow on his progress. In so doing, I failed to perceive his rising mental powers, and the use he would put them to. My hubris in this matter is of concern."

Janeway did not trust herself to respond appropriately to anything to do with Suder, but she had to stop Tuvok's self-beating. "As much as we need one, you are not trained as ship counsellor. Suder would have regained his powers by himself, sooner or later."

"Maybe, but I should have be more attentive to what was at the time a cry for help." Tuvok said. "However," he continued before Kathryn could add another word, "it is what I did later that is troubling me the most. While my actions following Suder's death might have seemed logical and even necessary, they put you in grave danger. You suffered greatly, both emotionally and physically. As well intentioned and rational as my motives were, the price you paid was too high. Once again, it seems, my logic failed you."

"This is not a repeat of what you did on Sikaris," Janeway said, drilling straight down to the issue. "I am the captain of this ship. Danger comes with the territory, as you well know, and I have to accept the costs."

Two crewmen were dead, another had deceived everybody on board and jumped ship, nobody knew of Jonas' fate, and there she was, talking as if she'd just come back second best from a trade mission. Everybody was paying the price for Suder's killing. She was hiding behind the captain, Tuvok was over-analysing his mistakes as only a Vulcan could, and Chakotay was beyond her reach, unwilling to speak of his feelings.

She too was not ready to talk about had happened to her because their faces were still there, barking questions and laughing and taking turns trussing her and hitting her. At times, she thought she could hear Paris' screams, as she listened to Seska's voice dripping venom, injecting her with that strange cold fluid, telling how her return to Voyager would blow up the ship. She had cursed the traitor until the pain had become a tidal wave, and when she'd heard Chakotay's voice, she wanted so badly to tell him not to bother anymore because there was nothing left of her, nothing, just the pain and the screams and Voyager exploding.

Tuvok moved his hands against the wooden surface of the table. Blinking at the small flame, Janeway took half a second to get her wandering mind back to their conversation.

"Be that as it may, Captain, I erred in both intent and deeds," Tuvok continued, unaware of the flood of emotions coursing through his guest. "Vulcans are trained from a young age to insure our motives remain untinted by emotions and irrational beliefs. The actions we take are carefully considered, using logic and prevailing rules to choose among conflicting paths. We are also taught that if such actions sometimes lead to less than optimal consequences, it is not sufficient reason to negate the power of those fundamental principles."

"I have always respected and sought your deep understanding and experience in these matters," Janeway acknowledged, at a loss to fathom where Tuvok was leading to. But she could not leave him to wrestle alone with his doubts. The ship needed their tactical officer in full possession of his remarkable mind. She needed her friend and mentor.

"Since your abduction, I have found myself reassessing those teachings. I have meditated at length but I remain deeply unsettled. As Commander Chakotay pointed out to me, if our positions had been reversed, if it had been me who had killed Suder, you would not have brought a most valued friend to the brink of dishonour and death."

Damn Chakotay _._ Kathryn pushed herself out of the reach of the soft light thrown by the candle. Tuvok's simple words of trust and friendship threatened to undermine the walls she had been frantically keeping aloft around her since she had killed Suder. But she could not afford to let them breach until the ship was finally home, whenever that would be.

The candle spluttered, the thin band of smoke bending in the faint air currents pushed around by the ship's ventilation system. Kathryn settled back on the cushion and leaned across the low table. She stopped herself before touching Tuvok's hand. There was something so personal at stake here, something his Vulcan nature would have never stated aloud if she had not prodded him with all the subtlety of a Talaxian morale officer.

He expected nothing. Certainly not forgiveness, even if given freely and sincerely by his captain. To a Vulcan, such a gift most probably felt too much like an excuse. Tuvok was too proud to accept, although he would never acknowledged such an irrational emotion. But help from a close friend, that she could offer.

Not an entirely selfless act, she conceded to herself. By focusing on Tuvok, Chakotay, all the others, she could bury her own memories somewhere deep, closed off. Hopefully forgotten one day. She just needed time.

"Atonement," she said.

"Captain?" Tuvok's eyebrow shot up.

"You want to atone for your actions." It was a concept she had become quite familiar with over the past few months. "It's about recognising the existence of guilt. Although there was no best action, no solution which would have satisfied your sense of what was right, you still think what you did was wrong. And now, the guilt endures," she added, a wry smile on her lips. She was no expert on Vulcan philosophy but god knew she had studied guilt from every possible angle.

Tuvok's eyes narrowed, then he slowly nodded. "The notion of guilt is not one that we, Vulcans, usually dwell on. However, it does seem to apply to my current state of mind. I thank you for this valuable insight, Captain."

He watched the candle for a few moments. "And how does one properly atone?"

Kathryn smiled. "Let me help you there, old friend."


	6. Chapter 6 - Redemption

**Chapter** **6** **– Redemption**

A package was waiting on the landing. A microstasis unit no less, she noticed. Balancing her work bag on the knee, she opened the door to her apartment. The neighbour's cat slipped in quickly behind her.

Leaving the bag on a small dresser, Kathryn came back out and carried the package inside. She whistled softly at the names listed on the waiver in front of her nose, while closing the door with her foot.

"This package has seen more starships than I have," she said for the benefit of the cat already basking in the last pool of sunshine. He had adopted her the day after she had moved in, allowing her the pleasure of his purring presence in the evenings, in exchange for a bowl of food. A fair enough bargain, Kathryn had thought. After so many years living side by side with a hundred and forty people on an ever moving and busy ship, she was not used as yet to the stillness of her flat.

"I wonder how Jean-Luc feels about the Enterprise being used as a courier van. I'll have to apologise to him." It was only then that the name of the original sender jumped at her.

She lowered the box on the lounge table, removed the small tablet affixed to the side and put her thumb onto the electronic pad. Tuvok's face filled the screen. He looked thinner than when she had last seen him, but his demeanour was composed and his eyes clear of the signs of the disease which could have claimed him so easily.

"Captain, I trust this message finds you in good health. My convalescence has been progressing well, and I look forward to seeing you at the ceremony promoting you to the Admiralty, in a few weeks time."

Kathryn brushed her fingers over the screen, smiling _._ "And I would very much like to see you too, old friend," she whispered. "I've missed you."

She stopped the recording. She had spent another long day at Starfleet Headquarters, poring over Voyager's blueprints with engineers, some of whom had not even started at the Academy when the ship had left the docks.

She walked to her bedroom and discarded her uniform and shoes, replacing them with a comfortable pair of slacks and an oversized T-shirt.

They were all so enthusiastic, those young specialists, and seemingly never tired, which was more than could be said of a future Admiral who was feeling aches in her bones just keeping up with their endless questions. For some unexplained reasons, coffee no longer had the same boosting effect on her mood and alertness. Many things were missing from her life since those days on Voyager, and she filled the emptiness by working too long hours.

Barefoot, she moved to the kitchenette, opened a bottle of red wine, and poured herself a large glass. She ambled back to the lounge and settled in a low chair facing the large window. Taking no heed of the view over the Academy's grounds, she picked up the padd. It started again at her light touch.

"I've spent much of my recovery reflecting on some of the more challenging decisions and choices I made when on Voyager. Even with the help of experienced Vulcan masters, I found it a testing, if worthwhile, exercise," Tuvok was saying on the screen.

She smiled at his candid confession and took a swig at her glass. As her attention strayed away from the padd, Tuvok's voice stopped once again.

She had had no say in the examination of her role as Voyager's captain. Starfleet had started debriefing the crew a mere couple of days after their arrival from the Delta quadrant. Her own panel had consisted of three admirals she did not know, probing every single command decision she had made from when the ship had left DS9, so long ago.

Three long months of facing the panel alone, delving into her official and private logs, reliving all those orders that had led, more often than not it seemed, to death, destruction and the transgression of too many Starfleet protocols to count. Only the determination to see all on Voyager settled and get what they so justly deserved had sustained her through the whole ordeal.

But it had been soul destroying at times to watch the growing desperation in her eyes when she reported on her ship logs how another hostile species, a new dangerous space anomaly, or dwindling resources were threatening the survival of the crew. Watching seven years' worth of logs condensed into a few weeks, she had observed first-hand her own transformation from a keen and compassionate captain, into a hardened and scarred woman. Add another twenty years of the same, and she would have easily become the calculating egotistical admiral with her 'don't-give-a-f—' attitude, messing with temporal directives, causing a trans-quadrant war with the Borg and erasing her crew's future lives in one fell sweep. A mighty exemplar of arrogance, worthy of Q himself.

Why Starfleet still intended to give her the same rank as her older meddling-self was beyond her comprehension. Most probably to keep an eye on her, she thought cynically, now that they knew what she could be capable of. Yet, hers was a different timeline.

She finished her drink, and got up to fill the glass a second time. Returning to the chair, her eyes glanced back to Tuvok's face on the screen. The padd started on its own accord.

"Six years ago, you helped me at a difficult time. I was doubting the values of my Vulcan upbringing after my actions had nearly led to your death. You suggested a solution to a dilemma that was not letting me rest. Following your advice, I worked over the years to perfect what Crewman Suder had begun a short time before his death. As you surmised, it was an appropriate way to atone for my failure to assist him, without repudiating the principles I had spent a lifetime learning and practising. My first attempts at taking over Suder's hybridising work were not successful. Most of the orchid seedlings proved sickly and did not survive. It took me many months to select the best clones and some years before I could grow a single strong plant."

A rare smile appeared in the corner of his eyes. "While the plant proved resilient, it never bloomed until we arrived back in the Alpha quadrant. Some of Voyager's less rational crew members may be inclined to draw a causal connection where none exists."

His face returned to his serious nature. "My wife, like yourself, is a wise person and I value her guidance. She made me realise it was time to give you back what was then your gift to me. It is but a token of my gratitude for your unwavering friendship. I will see you soon, my friend."

Kathryn froze the screen and stood near the large window overlooking the quiet park below, the half-full glass held tight in her hand.

Suder and Seska. Six more years in the Delta quadrant had pushed their names and faces down the black hole of time and erased much of her recollection of the events forever attached to their treachery. How Voyager had almost imploded because of them. Her captaincy lost then regained, thanks to a very determined Ocampa and a dogged First Officer. They had never heard from Seska again after her failed attempt at destroying Voyager. The Nistrim ship had disappeared without a trace, more than likely hunted down by rival Kazon sects, Seska's dreams of revenge and Kazon domination well and truly crushed.

Life had gone back to a semblance of normality for Voyager's Captain and the crew. Her nightmares and anxieties had abated with time, as had Chakotay's inward rage. Their stay on New Earth a few months later had finally healed those raw emotions of his. Following the Admiral's tale of Chakotay and Seven's love, Kathryn had come to understand that his sweet story of the angry warrior finally finding peace had had very little to do with her. His enforced stay on a planet with no red alerts, no threats and few responsibilities had done wonders to his soul rather than her mere presence. The ship's return and her decision to uphold an inflexible rule had put on hold whatever she had believed was going on at the time between her and Chakotay. An older Admiral and a blameless Borg had driven the final nail into the silly dream she had held on for much too long.

She could only hope Trebus and Seven were kind to him.

Reaching for the package, she turned the stasis field off and the box opened up. The orchid nestled within was beautiful, dozens of dark blue flowers cascading down in thick spikes and almost obscuring the leathery leaves. The pot was made of an exquisite green stone, the shape simple and elegant. Both plant and pot were the work of learned and mindful people.

The scent was heavenly, a mixture of cinnamon and vanilla which she inhaled deeply. She stepped carefully over the dozing cat, and put the plant on top of a low bookshelf. Topping up her wine glass, she went back to the tablet and swiped the remaining file open. T'Pel's fine features appeared this time.

"I wish to thank you, Captain, for the support you provided my husband and for your steadfast role in getting him back to Vulcan and his family. I hope we can talk at greater length about your experiences when I meet you on Earth. For now, I am only the bearer of news. Seven of Nine has asked me to let you know that she has accepted a posting on an exploration vessel to the Gamma quadrant. She had been spending some time with us to, I quote, 'recalibrate my emotions and feelings' after leaving Trebus a few weeks ago. By the time you receive this message, she will be well on her way to DS12."

T'Pel paused as if waiting for the full import of her words to be felt. "As my husband has discovered, after atonement comes redemption. Like him, you need to allow yourself to travel down that path." She lifted her hand in the traditional Vulcan gesture. "Live long and prosper, Kathryn Janeway."

Kathryn almost dropped the padd in astonishment. She had always wondered if Tuvok had not overplayed his Vulcan stoicism for the seven years he had worked in the non-stop company of emotional beings, a certain Talaxian included. Now she had her answer. No doubt about it, T'Pel had looked extremely pleased with herself when talking about Seven going away for what was most probably going to be a very long deep space mission.

She gulped down her glass and poured in what was left of the bottle. The implications of T'Pel's words were tantalising but she hesitated. To Chakotay, Seven must have felt like a breath of fresh air, unburdened by guilt or oppressive protocols. He would have felt obligated to help her discover those parts of her humanity that made her a woman. One thing was sure, he had loved Seven very much, according to the older Janeway.

She swirled the wine, almost tipping it out.

A retreat.

To recalibrate her emotions.

A few weeks ago.

One thing was sure, this timeline did seem quite different from what the Admiral had described.

However, even with Seven gone, Chakotay had not reached out.

He might have found somebody else.

He might be happy living alone.

He was a proud man, and pride had a way of complicating things, as she knew too well.

Kathryn carefully put her empty glass on the floor near the chair, and reached for her communicator. "B'Elanna, could you give me a call? I'd like to get Chakotay's contact details on Trebus."

Besides, she thought, it would not do to disappoint T'Pel.


End file.
